Tuesday, April 29, 2003
I now fucking hate poltergeists. I have one of the filthy spirits at home. Not that I used to mind them too much but the one I have at home is starting to annoy me. In the beginning it just went around scaring people and after a while started doing a bit of ironing and odd jobs around the house. But scaring people, ironing and washing dishes are one thing but when I got home from Iraq the other day after a long, wallet retrieving mission for George Bush, I discovered the fucking cunt had done a load of washing and mixed all the dark colours with the light colours and used all the hot water in the house. Further more it taped over my re-runs of the Wombles, with All My Children. It pains me to do so, but I think I’m gonna have to call someone in to sort this shit out.
Anyway, this person is having a bit of guy problems. Any suggestions, go give her a shout.
Hooker 5:07 PM
Insults Here
Friday, April 25, 2003
The Little Orphan Boy
by Hooker Bastard
Once upon a time there lived a little orphan boy who had everything he wanted, ‘cept maybe for parents, but other than that he had everything. He lived far, far away in a nunnery for ex-super models who liked to kiss each other a lot. The little orphan boy liked to sleep a lot and pretty much do nothing with his day, till one day when he was all grown up he felt very empty. He felt like (even though he had everything) that he had accomplished nothing. Then on his 21st birthday he decided to do something he’d never done before; go for a walk. He walked and he walked till he couldn’t see the nunnery anymore and came to a hill where he met an old man.
The little orphan boy said to the old man, ‘who are you?’
The old man replied, ‘I am Chris, the wise man of the hill.’
The little orphan boy’s face lit up and he said, ‘wow, that’s really cool, perhaps you could then help me with a problem I’m having.’
The little orphan boy told Chris, the wise man, about how he had no sense of accomplishment and how he felt so empty.
The wise man thought about it for a bit and said, ‘my dear little orphan boy, I want you to wake up tomorrow and live your life as though it were your last.’
The little orphan boy thought, ‘what a wonderful idea,’ and went back to the nunnery.
The little boy awoke the next day, ran down to the bank and withdrew all his money and went straight to the pub. He drank and he drank as though it were his last day. He drank so much that he fell over and hit his head on a rock, so hard, that he needed medical attention. And the only way he could do that was to be air lifted but because he had spent all his money he couldn’t pay for the helicopter and he died.
The End
Hooker 5:06 PM
Insults Here
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
The Little Orphan Girl
by Hooker Bastard
Once upon a time there was a little orphan girl who lived with her little orphan brother. They both worked in a dynamite factory somewhere in Asia and were very unhappy because they had an awful overseer who whipped and beat them. One day the little girl found a small dog that had no parents like herself and she felt pity for it and decided to take it back with her to her squalid little home. She cleaned the dog, washed it’s coat, fed it and later on in the evening she let the dog sleep next to her on her bed.
When she woke up in the morning she found that the dog had gnawed her feet off and she couldn’t walk. Her brother received such a fright upon seeing his sister that his teeth fell out and he bled to death. The dog just wagged its tail and begged to be loved. The little girl got beaten more when she got to work ‘cause her stumpy legs couldn’t move around work to well; she became the most unhappiest girl after that and died at the age of 92 of a broken heart, whilst putting a fuse into a stick of dynamite. The little dog was picked up by an animal shelter and was placed with a wonderful family who loved it so much that it lived to be the oldest dog in the world.
The End
Hooker 1:54 PM
Insults Here
Monday, April 14, 2003
I think my brain has gone into power saving for old age or something. I’ve been walking around for the last six months without a clue as to what is happening in my surroundings. I used to think it was the increase in my alcohol consumption but now that I’ve decreased my drinking I’ve realised I’m dead and don’t even know it. The other day I passed by that kid from Sixth Sense and his mom doing a bit of clothes shopping and he pointed at me and said, ‘look mommy a dead person,’ and she said, ‘no sweety, that’s just a drunk like your dad,’ and I just smiled and said, ‘it’s ok, kids, they say the darndest things’. Then I bought a pair of socks (‘cause I needed some). Anyway I surprised I’m holding down a relationship. Mistress SB and I went out for dinner the other night, she had to feed me baby food and I didn’t want to eat it, then she made these real cool aeroplane sounds and it tasted just fine after that. All in all it was a bit embarrassing for her but hell, what can I do, my brain has gone. She must love me.
Anyway speaking of brain dead people, I was sitting at home the other month chilling on the sofa. The Devil (Neville) had been phoning me all day wanting to go out for drinks but I kept saying, ‘no’, ‘cause he’s not fun when we’re out. He keeps trying to get people to part with their souls and he gets too drunk and forgets where he parked his car and it’s a general pain in the butt. Anyway the phone rang again and I though it was Neville but it wasn’t. It was an unlisted number and I usually don’t answer those but for some odd fucking reason I did. I first thought it would be Darkchylde but it was afternoon and she only calls when I’m fast asleep and having cool dreams about naked chicks. Anyway I answered the stupid phone and it’s was that cunt George (W) Bush on the line.
So I say, ‘Hello, Hooker Bastard speaking.’
And George says, ‘Hi, this is George Bush here.’
So I say, ‘ Fuck off and die you festering piece of leper penis.’
And he replies, ‘thanks Hooker for those kind words. I’m just gonna cut right to the chase here and ask if you will go on a mission for me.’
‘No, panty custard licker…fuck head.’ I reply.
‘Don’t misunderestimate me here Hooker, I’m not after your woman I just need your help. My people tell me you are the most dangerous man alive and I need a dangerous man. We’ll pay you $50 000 000 for a weekend mission, starting this weekend.
I must say when I though about it, $50 000 000 sounded quite nice but after some serious consideration I had to say,
‘Well I’d love to but they are having a Wombles marathon this weekend on TV and I wouldn’t want to miss that, so perhaps another time’.
Then he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
‘Well Hooker, we’d also like to give you your own whiskey distillery, if that’s OK with you?’
‘That sounds super, what do you need me to do.’
George gave a large sigh and answered,’ well its like this; a few months ago I was playing golf with Ringo Star in Iraq and I left my wallet in the locker room of the club house. Someone found it and handed it to Saddam and he won’t give it back. I don’t know if you’ve lost a wallet before Hooker but having to stand in those lines at home affairs to get a new ID card is pure hell and banks these days don’t just replace your credit card over night. So what I’m trying to say Hookers is; will you go into Iraq and get it back for me?’
So I said, ‘OK, cool.’
And he said, ‘thanks buddy, last thing I want to do is send in the marines for this one.’
So I said, ‘No problem, I understand.’
So I got on this plane and went to Iraq.
Hooker 4:02 PM
Insults Here
Friday, April 11, 2003
So just when I thought the band I am playing in was turning into a big ball of shit, it improved and I’m not talking musically (‘cause it is a dodgy goth band after all) but rather in coolness. I was, for a long time, the only good looking guy in the band (which was a struggle when having to juggle all those bitches) but now we have someone who has, in his own right, the ability to match the super good looks, charm and charisma of myself, and that is none other than, Drexil, the wonder, slap bass, guitar wacker, guy. So everyone go give him a Slap on the back.
Hooker 12:37 PM
Insults Here
Monday, April 07, 2003
Well here I am again. I honestly didn’t think I would make it to a second post. I noticed that war is still going on. I wish they’d get to the end of this series so that America can start a new one. I did see on CNN that they want to start picking on Ireland because of that bridge club they have called the IRA. First they pick on Arabs and now housewives. Fuckers. Who is Bin Laden again?
So I’ve been gone for a while. Some thought I was dead (I wish), others thought I went back to Cambodia (going there in November) and others though I had something to do with this war in Iraq…which is absolutely true. But before I get onto that I have to take the time to say a large portion of why I’ve been gone is because of my psycho obsession with Mistress SB . I feel I should apologies to some for this as I have to a certain extent betrayed the name of Hooker Bastard. Some felt that my choice to walk the monogamy road left my credibility as the advocate of filthy woman open to question and therefore a poor spokes person for womanisers everywhere. Anyway I had this big fat life affirming answer, which I forgot this weekend due the large amounts of alcohol I consumed. So I don’t know anymore, so fuck off. Also I’ve been saving lots of money due to the decrease in hooker solicitation and now I can buy myself something nice (just kidding).
So any way, just where have I been? Glad I asked.
Hooker 3:34 PM
Insults Here
Friday, April 04, 2003
Yawn. So I’m back. It’s not the easiest thing; retrieving a deleted blog. I had to phone Christopher Walken for some help. Seems he got famous since our tennis days. There also seems to be this war going on and people are making a big thing out of it. I hear all the television networks started it to get ratings up. Rumour would have it they’ve signed George W, Blair and Saddam for a twelve part series; hope it works out for them, they have a hell of a time as it is. And when did Mistress SB get so funny?
Just a few things for the people who read my blog:
1) I have this nasty habit of making them real long.
My recommendation: Don’t read it.
2) I have this nasty habit of making them real long.
My recommendation: don’t read it.
So just where have I been all this time? Well, that’s a real long story.
Hooker 12:10 PM
Insults Here
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